On Listening

When I ask you to listen to me and you start by giving me
     advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why
     I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do
     something to solve my problem, you have failed me,
     as strange as it may seem.

Listen!  All I ask is that you listen, not to talk or do...
     just hear me.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for
     myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

And I can do for myself.  I'm not helpless.  Maybe discouraged
     and faltering, but not helpless.

But when you accept as simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
     no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to
     convince you and get about the business of understanding
     what's behind this irrational feeling.  And when that's
     clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind
     them ....

So, please listen and just hear me.  And if you want to talk, wait
     a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.










[Excerpt from poem by Ralph Roughton, printed in 4Friends Journal5,
 October 1, 1984.]