Whither esteem?

When I feel so low about myself,
   that I feel that the work of
caring for myself a waste of time--

When I feel so little esteem for me,
   it makes it hard for me to feel
much but contempt or derision.

When others do the work of demonstrating
       their friendship to me,
my ability
     to demonstrate to them 
     the beauty of
           their choice
         of friendship and time 
         spent
           with me, 
           for me, 
           loving me,
is gone.

Contempt for self.  Contempt is all I can feel
for anyone who dares demonstrate affection,
kindness, to a being so worthless and afraid
as I am.

I deride you.  I hold you in contempt.

Why don't you love me anyway?  Why can't I
  feel
    your love?

Whither the wither?

			8/14/97  dde