From deisenst@mail.coin.missouri.eduFri Nov  8 17:33:35 1996
Date: Fri, 8 Nov 1996 17:33:12 -0600 (CST)
From: "David D. Eisenstein" <deisenst@mail.coin.missouri.edu>
To: "Cheryl L. Hill" <chill@tri-lakes.net>
Subject: A bit by Thomas Merton


Hi Cheryl,
   Last night, I delved into a book I've been reading over the past 6-8
months (and may continue to savor for another year or more before shelving
it).  It is called _New_Seeds_of_Contemplation_, by Thomas Merton.  There
are some words in there that seems that they could be strangely relevant
to some of the things I have been going through lately, dealing with the
topic of pride.
   But before I go into that, I wanna thank you for sharing the words of
Kennon.  Interestingly enough, I not only read the quote substituting
"individual" for the word "church" and "people" or "parent(s)" for churches,
but also "employee" or "company" for the word "church" and "businesses"
for the word "churches."  When I do that, it rings true with some liter-
ature from the Center for Organizational Learning of the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology that I have read lately.  If you want, I can
try to find the WWW address of those pages at the C.O.L., for they may
well echo many of Kennon's concepts, putting them in the more generic
"organizational" light, rather than the more specific "church" light.

   Here is what Thomas Merton had to say in Chapter 7 of his book, a
chapter entitled "Union and Division:"

        And now I am thinking of the disease which is spiritual pride.
     I am thinking of the peculiar unreality that gets into the hearts
     of the saints and eats their sanctity away before it is mature.
     There is something of this worm in the hearts of all religious
     men.  As soon as they have done something which they know to be
     good in the eyes of God, they tend to take its reality to them-
     selves and to make it their own.  They tend to destroy their vir-
     tues by claiming them for themselves and clothing their own 
     private illusion of themselves with values that belong to God.
     Who can escape the secret desire to breathe a different atmo-
     sphere from the rest of men?  Who can do good things without
     seeking to taste in them some sweet distinction from the common
     run of sinners in this world?
        This sickness is most dangerous when it succeeds in looking
     like humility.  When a proud man thinks he is humble, his case
     is hopeless.
        Here is a man who has done many things that were hard for
     his flesh to accept.  He has come through difficult trials and
     done a lot of work, and by God's grace he has come to possess 
     a habit of fortitude and self-sacrifice in which, at last, labor 
     and suffering become easy.  It is reasonable that his conscience
     should be at peace.  But before he realizes it, the clean peace
     of a will united to God becomes the complacency of a will that
     loves its own excellence.
        The pleasure that is in his heart when he does difficult things
     and succeeds in doing them well, tells him secretly:  "I am a
     saint."  At the same time, others seem to recognize him as dif-
     ferent than themselves.  They admire him, or perhaps avoid him--
     a sweet homage of sinners!  The pleasure burns into a devouring
     fire.  The warmth of that fire feels very much like the love of
     God.  It is fed by the same virtues that nourished the flame of
     charity.  He burns with self-admiration and thinks:  "It is the
     fire of the love of God."
        He thinks his own pride is the Holy Ghost.
        The sweet warmth of pleasure becomes the criterion of all his
     works.  The relish he savors in acts that make him admirable in
     his own eyes, drives him to fast, or to pray, or to hide in soli-
     tude, or to write many books, or to build churches and hospitals,
     or to start a thousand organizations.  And when he gets what he
     wants he thinks his sense of satisfaction is the unction of the
     Holy Spirit.
        And the secret voice of pleasure sings in his heart:  "Non
     sum sicut caeteri homines"  (I am not like other men).
        Once he has started on this path there is no limit to the evil
     his self-satisfaction may drive him to do in the name of God and
     of His love, and for His glory.  He is so pleased with himself
     that he can no longer tolerate the advice of another--or the com-
     mands of a superior.  When someone opposes his desires he folds
     his hands humbly and seems to accept it for the time being, but
     in his heart he is saying:  "I am persecuted by worldly men.  They
     are incapable of understanding one who is led by the Spirit of God.
     With the saints it has always been so."
        Having become a martyr he is ten times as stubborn as before.
        It is a terrible thing when such a one gets the idea he is a
     prophet or a messenger of God or a man with a mission to reform
     the world. . . .  He is capable of destroying religion and making
     the name of God odious to men.
     
        I must look for my identity, somehow, not only in God but in
     other men.
        I will never be able to find myself if I isolate myself from
     the rest of mankind as if I were a different kind of being.
     
   Powerful stuff, eh?  "Not able to tolerate the commands of a su-
perior..."  *sigh*  That seems familiar to me.  I resemble some of
that.  Sick with false pride ... and damaged esteem invoking such.
(It is sometimes too bad that my self-esteem can depend so much on 
others' esteem of me or my work.  And that I am so willing to base
so much of my perception of others' esteem of me by their negative 
remarks to or about me, rather than their positive ones.  Perfection-
ists, however, are hard on themselves.)

   Anyway, I submitted my second letter of resignation today, this 
time to the Executive Vice President of Systems, the man who was
my first boss at Carfax.  I also turned in my keys to the office to
the office manager.  Did all this within the last hour.  Gave them 
until November 21st to use my skills as a wind-down time period.  
After that ... we'll see.  I would appreciate your prayers.  I need 
to get to work, and hard work, to find another job before 11/21.  And 
some of that time will be spent at Carfax closing things down or trans-
ferring things to others.

   Tonight, tomorrow all day, and Sunday afternoon, I will be spending
time in training in the first part of a program put on by the Quakers
called "Alternatives to Violence Project."  Tried it a couple of years
ago, but was too self-pitying to be able to benefit from the program:
rather than teaching me alternatives to violence, it ended up violating
me.  This time I am determined to go at it with a different attitude:
One of love, (as much) humility (as I can muster), open-heartedness,
and care with what I say.  This program will be going on in the base-
ment of Russell Chapel C.M.E. church, a predominantly black church.
I sense God will enfold me with His love there, and I need it.

   Thanks again for being such a wonderful friend, Cheryl.

			Your friend,
			David