FOR HABADASHER SOUP -- REMARKS ON RESPECT

We all deserve to be heard and respectfully listened to, as much as
possible.  Respect and use of language in a respectful way aids so much
in gaining respectful listening.  In conversations, statements such as
"You must believe," or "You feel {this or that way}," or "What you are
really complaining about is ...," aimed at myself have helped me feel
exposed, vulnerable, targeted.  These are "you" statements that typically
increase tension and hostility in listeners and readers, as opposed to
the "I" statements that can lower such tensions and hostile feelings.
"You" statements aimed at me feel like psychological transferrence (or a
little like verbal rape) or something. 

Being aware of one's methods of communication, and the impact of selec-
ting how one phrases things and whether they hamper or enhance a
conversation can help.  But I know I've written things in the heat of
passion that ignores these respectful boundaries I mention.  I am no
expert in choosing harmonious words. (Cheryl, you know much more than I
do in this.) (Or you, Jeff, with your years of training in the Quakers'
Alternatives to Violence program -- you talk a lot about "you" versus
"I" statements, don't you? What do you teach?)

I know I have been a poor listener in the case of hearing openly some
comments and challenges written in Habadasher Soup.  For this I feel
sorrow, guilt, and regret.  I am sorry, and want you to know it, David,
if I said to you or about you things that were harmful.  In my hotheaded-
ness I know there were some things I intended to be hurtful.  And I am
sorry.


		A REALLY NEAT WEBPAGE

A really neat webpage:    <http://www.hevanet.com/peace/>
Have read almost all of it, and find it an excellent and thoughtful 
piece of peaceful thinking and assertion.  I agree with at least
90% of it.  (But not 100%.)  Very thoughtfully written.

I'm including an excerpt from it, at the portion of the page at URL
	<http://www.hevanet.com/peace/#CulturesProblems>.

Please note the portion of the third paragraph below encirled with
astericks.  Those words may help get a confused and useless life back in
order.  As you all are my witnesses, I exist to give loving attention,
understanding as I am able.  

		THE WEBPAGE REMARKS - EXCERPT

______________ (excerpt from the webpage) _________________________________
Mental separation creates conditions that encourage violence. The U.S.
has become powerful partly because of the cultural toleration of a wide
range of opinions. However, a weakness of the U.S. culture is that it
does not easily accept, or even hear, criticism from outside. 

This kind of thinking suggests a theory. The Arab and Jewish cultures
are also not good at accepting outside criticism. If the Arab and Jewish
cultures received outside criticism, perhaps they would become stronger.

War and other adversarial behaviors are evidence of weakness. So, if you
help a culture be truly strong, the amount of adversarial behavior will
be reduced. One powerful non-violent method would be to criticize the
Arab and Jewish cultures. (Remember, culture is separate from religion.)
****************************************************************************
* When someone gives careful, thoughtful criticism, that person is giving  *
* attention.  Perhaps one of the most important things people need from    *
* each other is attention. Giving careful, thoughtful attention can be     *
* one method of giving love.                                               *
****************************************************************************

Giving love in the case of cultural differences requires enormous skill.
However, if the skill is available, there could be huge benefits. First,
giving love is unlikely to do harm.  Second, it is far, far cheaper than
war.  Third, giving love always benefits the giver since the practice
makes the giver more able to give in the future.  Since most of the
giving that people do is giving to themselves, giving to another culture
makes a person more able to be loving toward himself or herself.  (There
is considerable underlying theoretical justification for this.) 
__________________ (end of webpage excerpt) _________________________________

Thanks for being friends.

		Cordially,
		David Eisenstein