From deisenst@coin.org Mon Jul 2 13:53:24 2001 Date: Sat, 30 Jun 2001 23:21:38 -0500 (CDT) From: "David D. Eisenstein" To: "Cheryl L. Hill" Subject: Thoughts or help needed: "alive? well? (fwd)" Dear Cheryl, As is typical for this self-centered friend of yours, I write to you asking for any thoughts or prayers you may have regarding something about me. Hope you don't mind. I ask a favor, if you have or can make a moment of time. You have been and are a dear friend, and part of what has helped make you so dear to me is that you have been able and willing (even as you are busier than I could ever imagine a human being) to hear, read, think, pray, and respond to me when I write to you to ask you for your thoughts and help. (And know that if you ever have a problem or worry or circumstance that you thought I could help with, I will do my best to help!) It has been now just about a week. Last Sunday, I ran out of Effexor, the anti-depressant my doctor has had me on for ~1.5 years, following about 2 years of Paxil, then previous to that, 6-10 years of Paxil off and on, under various doctors. I have not refilled the prescription. After all of these years of medication by Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI's), I have become absolutely convinced that they put up a wall between me and my feelings -- they attenuate the signal that the "feeling" part of me is able to be felt or heard by the other (more logical?) parts of my being. As I am a very feeling person, an artist of word or music at times, this way-of-being-alive under the influence of SSRI's is really much closer to death than life for me. Even when the feelings that the SSRI's are inhibiting/attenuating are those of sadness, woe, self-pity, or depression. Sometimes this wall can be very helpful. But now I think it is starting to slowly kill me. And I have decided that I can no longer live without being able to be in touch with my deeper self that only by having my feelings available to me can I be in touch with. Because my feelings and emotions are a part of me, and are a gift from God, it even begins to feel to me that these well- meant medications help keep me separate from God. I seriously begin to wonder if such medications were designed to be given for years at a time, or were more likely designed as temporary, stop-gap medications meant to work with someone in crisis, and then taken away when the crisis passes? So now, during this week of some symptoms of withdrawal, I am starting to dream again. I never dream when saturated with SSRI's. But I am dreaming now, and some of them are incredible. Some wonderful. Some very strange. But that is what dreams do, because they are the pure stuff of uninhibited imagination, not even inhibited by the logically slavish demands of the cerebral cortex. Many of these dreams have been joyful, fun, enter- taining, and never threatening. I even met Bernadette Peters in one of them a day or so ago, and it was wonderful! Ok. Now on to the point. Having my feelings back, it has helped me know how sad and lonely I have been in the past few months -- having not worked since January, and having for the most part chosen to isolate myself at home like a shut-in. In the past few days, I have been out doing things more than I had for a month or more, because I simply cannot *stand* feeling so lonely and cooped up, and I have to get out and circulate and attend to others and be attended to. One thing that occurred to me very strongly yesterday was this need: I have felt lead to try to re-establish a friendship or contact with a friend -- the relationship of which seems to have fizzled or died away. His name is Dominic Lenk, lives here in St. Louis, at an abbey. I write him from time to time in email, and used to call him every 4-6 months. He never calls me or initiates contact. In the past year, he has not even responded to one email. And the last time I visited the abbey (March?), I attended vespers, and felt treated coldly by him and by most of the other brothers; except for one, who is the priest for the parish that meets in their beautiful santuary. I would like to find out if his opinion is that our friendship is dead. I have below a pro-forma email (which I may not send as one, but may send in a card or letter through real mail). I want to know if he is okay trying to be my friend anymore, or doesn't want me anymore. Feel I need to know. I may be seeking many more, deeper, friendships, perhaps many new ones, and I want and need to know if there is anything there I can give to and receive from in friendship with him. Do you have any thoughts or comments about this? It occurs to me to try to speak to the parish priest (one of Dominic's brothers) about these concerns and ask him if there is any ill between us or if he has any thoughts or ideas to find out if there is ill and what can be done about it. Alan/Dominic has been one of my dearest friends over the years, ever since Central Methodist College. Somehow, something deep inside of me tells me that this friendship doesn't need to die, and that were it to renew, that there may be some very good service I could be to Dominic. You have any thoughts, friend Cheryl? With love of friendship, David ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sat, 30 Jun 2001 22:26:19 -0500 (CDT) From: "David D. Eisenstein" To: Dominic Lenk Subject: alive? well? Dear Fr. Dominic: Know this: I remain as committed as I know how, to friendship with you. If you are ever in need, know you have a friend here. I care. Am not perfect, or even good sometimes, but I care. Also know this: When I take time to share with you, and you do not respond, it hurts. I miss you. Old friends are a blessing. Unless you make it clear that the old friend David Eisenstein is no longer wanted in your life, I am not giving up in doing what I can to be a friend. I suggest you respond to this blessing; unless you or those who have power over you are convinced that it is truly *not* a blessing. I remain alive and well (though not always happy). So you tell, Dominic. What do *you* want? Can you confirm or deny whether or not you wish (or are permitted) friendship outside of the Abbey walls -- and more specifically, do you wish (or are you permitted) friendship with me anymore? I require closure, one way or another. In this request, I *WILL NOT* accept being blown off by you, as I have felt in recent times. Sincerely, David Eisenstein