Friday, September 7th, 2001 2554 Belle Cote, St. Louis Dear God, Can't sleep. Decided to have 3-4 pieces of chocolate around 11:30 tonight. That may have something to do with it. Got talked into coming by the community chorus that meets at UMSL on Tues- day evenings ... by Mary Lee Wright. I am to meet with her at her home at 6:30pm next Tuesday evening, 11-Sep, for a rehearsal which begins at 7pm. God. I feel miserable. I feel like a miserable excuse for a human. Not only do I still feel week and tired from the illness last weekend (cold? flu?), which yet has lingering symptoms. But I feel I am just doing a lousy job of being a human -- becoming cranky, unhappy, negative with all who deal with me, negative in attitude, courage, hope, opinion, self-es- teem, outlook, hope, and prospects for the future. Not to mention stu- pidly redundant. I do not really look forward to the next day, and what it will bring, because I have no life to speak of to look forward to. I have nothing to do, because I do nothing. I act lazily, if I act at all. I have no one to be helpful to, nothing to do, and make no effort to find anything to do. I sit here sneezing at 2:40 in the morning, my joints aching, my nose sniffling, startling my cat Scamper, who is laying so alertly, yet strangly peaceful, in the chair next to mine. You sure did bless me in many ways, by giving me the gift of chance of knowing and befriending these two cats, Twinkie and Scamper. They are the kindest, gentlest, most loving creatures I feel I have really ever known. Oh sure, you know they sometimes get on the nerves a bit, playing in the middle of the night, for example. But those are minor things, compared with the comfort and love (unconditional love) which they bring me, and the ability to love them back. I complain above, about feeling so worthless, yet I feel I would be much worse off without these loving companions. I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of being tired. Of hiding and doing so little -- acting or feeling afraid to try anything new, even volunteering so as to have something to do with my life other than molder here at home. And it has been a blessing, finding once again the Self Help Center in Kirkwood, which I am now going to 2-3 times per week, and joining them in some groups of theirs. Even there, the human problems of people getting hurt, of misunderstanding one another, of being an- noying to one another, of backstabbing one-another, don't go away. In fact, in some ways, these human frailties seem to be amplified somewhat at the Self-Help Center. I wish I knew why. People in here or maybe out there in the real world -- us with known, them with unknown mental illnesses (which I suppose I have too) -- and maybe some part of the illness(es) is an inability to recognize when they (we) (I?) am/are pursuing words or actions that end up harmful to others there -- and then when the passive/agressive behaviors of those who feel hurt inevitably comes out, it comes out in a rush of anger or other emotion way out of proportion to any infraction another has done, and then comes out aggressively or hurtfully -- causing the establishment of a pattern of people ignorantly and needlessly hurting one another by pursuing poor and petty behaviors back and forth, unenlightened and unlightened by re- linquishment of forgiveness. Unlightened by the blessed "letting go and letting the higher power." ((Is this really any different than what goes on between Arabs and Jews in Palestine?)) And yet here we are. A microcosm of the general world out there, with people acting ever so human ever so often -- perhaps making our paranoia, our depression, our strange actions look tame or feeble or minor by com- parison to the outside society's doing these behaviors multiplied by the millions of humans. Fears... of crime ... of divulging secrets ... of losing status or stature ... of ridicule ... of financial insecurity ... of being raped, robbed ... of any number of other things ... illogically and immutibly permeate the fabric of our society, enculturated by the whispers of media, of news, of neighbor, of habit. And they think *WE* are crazy? *WE* are the ones trying to make sense of the mania, and calm it, and love it, and nurture ourselves in understanding to create a better whole holistic human within each of ourselves. *WE* are the ones who have the blessing of recognition, of diagnosis, of having a *CLUE* what may be causing us to be different and hurt and fear and feel down. The poor other clods out there may be acting just as crazy or even more than any of us in here -- acting on impulse, on hatred, in obsession, in fear or paranoia -- that they may not even begin to be aware of -- and yet they make the right choices of companions or words or jobs or cars or -- or whatever, that removes suspicion from them of their insanities. We're the lucky ones. We have love -- even if it is love only of one another here in this environment. We have understanding -- of what may be going on within ourselves that make us act or feel in ways that we may not wish to act or feel if we could. We at least have the tools of understanding -- the potential, the hope ... that as we continue with our therapies, our medications, our friendships here at the Center -- that we can at least come to terms with our frailties or unexpectednesses, so that in that un- derstanding, we can at least come to a place where we accept ourselves with- out self-condescension or self-recrimination. That we can accept ourselves without useless blame and without too much pain ... so that we can, encouraged, loved, and in support of one-another, have hope of lives with less pain, less fear, less unpredictability, more stability ... or at least, less loneliness. I think I may print this out later this morning, and offer to read it to the group this afternoon at the Self Help Center. Maybe others will draw strength from it. Thank you, God, for giving me the passion to write these heartfelt words. Thank you, God, for being. Thank you, God, for your undying love, care, for mankind, for all of your creation, and for me. Amen. Love, David